Silence After The Fact
Normally I start out a post with the title. So far the title hasn't come to me yet. Probably because my mind is full of a bunch of different thoughts. Maybe it will all come together, or maybe this will just be some free thought. If I can get it out at all through the tears.
Frances died 5 days ago and it seems like forever. I know that I have had several good nights sleep since then, something I had not had in several years. I also know that things have been somewhat hectic the last 5 days and I think that this is really the first time I have had any time to actually sit still and listen to the silence.
We have been cleaning out some of Frances' room and preparing for this trip. We have had a house full of wonderful people helping. I've been trying to get caught up on work so I could again take more time away. Then yesterday and today I've been more focussed on getting all the last minute things done and actually packing. I've never packed for a camping trip by myself before. I have always packed my clothes and the vehicle and trailer and Frances has taken care of the girl, the food, and everything else. I still haven't done it all by myself as Jenny, Anne and Grandma pretty much got the girls ready but I did everything else - far more than I ever have.
Then today we set out about 10:45 and drove until about 5:00 or so. We drove around the campground and picked a site. We did a quick unpack and made some dinner. Well, okay not really made dinner but warmed up some pizza in the microwave. We then went for a walk around the campground. Here is a picture of the girls over looking the sound which we can see from our site:
Sorry, I couldn't move the sun nor the waves to put the lighting together correctly.
The girls were excited to go to bed in the upper bunk in the camping trailer and that, combined with being tired from a long drive and then a pretty good walk, had them begging to go to bed at 7:30. We got them to bed. Maybe not as smooth or pretty as mommy would have, but we managed. I have to think she is looking down on us with a bit of pride for us. As they were going to sleep I set up my "office" in the back of the trailer and finally they were quiet. Now I sit here in silence with lots of time to think; and cry.
Thank you again to those that have helped the last few weeks and are staying at the house while we are gone. We know everything is in good hands and you'll have lots of vegetables from the garden that is coming on.
Everywhere I go, emails, accounts, etc. I find "scottandfrances". Our registration here at the campground (because of our membership) says "Scott and Frances Adams". I can't decide whether I really am scottandfrances or whether I am now just Scott. I feel all alone but changing to just "scott" doesn't seem right. I am still wearing my wedding ring as I can't imagine taking it off even if I could.
It seems several of you have had dreams of Frances. Dreams of Frances walking, running, laughing, mobile and talking. It's not fair as I haven't. In fact I am not sure I have dreamed at all since before Frances died. I have slept, but have not dreamt. That may be a good thing as a Firefighter/EMT doesn't always dream of the nicest of things and most of my dreams are more hauntings than they are dreams. But every now and then a nice one comes along like several weeks ago. Why can't I have the dreams you guys are? Why can't I have some feeling of my bride again?
Looking around this is a BIG trailer. It never seemed so big when the girls and Frances and I were in it. In fact there were times with all of our stuff and our beds down that we could barely walk through it. But now it seems so spacious. And so empty. The three of us just don't seem to fill it right. Maybe after this trip with the girls gets really under way it will shrink around us but for right now it seems huge.
Well, this is enough rambling for now. If you've made it this far I think maybe you are more crazy than me, if that is at all possible???
Share a thought or prayer: 9 Comments
9 Shared:
When the time is right, you will make changes ... and other things you may not change ... the script is yours to write.
You are off to a good start, taking the girls away on a camping trip. It will give you all a little much needed quiet time and give you all a chance to regroup. You are going to need to remake your family ... but if anyone can do it ... you can!!
There is no one-size-fits-all for grief, so ramble on, Scott. It's what you need.
My best friend was killed in a car accident many years ago. (And my cousin from an accidental drug overdose, an uncle to cancer, and I've lost 3 of 4 grandparents, plus a few other friends, including a few children. Death is no stranger to me. But my best friend's death was most significant.)
I wanted so badly to dream about him. To talk to him again! Just a little sign from God about my friend would have been welcome. But nothing ever came for years.
Then one day he was there. I had the joy of reliving an entire memory with him in my sleep.
I've never dreamed of him since. But somehow that one night has made it all worth it.
I hope you find peace.
I am so glad that you were able to get away with the girls. You are right...you need to figure out how the three of you are a family. And you will.
And the changes you make may be slow...may be sudden. But you will know when it feels right. You will surprise yourself, and your daughters, as you become more of a father to them.
I don't know when you will dream of Frances. But I am sure that it will come when you need it to. After my mom died, I saw a rabbit running through a field and just knew it was really her...not reincarnated, but just a split second reminder that she was free of the pain that her earthly body held. Your bride will show herself to you in many ways, just keep looking.
Let us know if you swing through Bend and would like a home-cooked meal and a horseback ride. We always have room for an extra trailer.
Robyn
Thanks for sharing, Scott. I'd highly recommend "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. You aren't crazy. I hope your trip is marvelous with both quiet times and adventures. Heck, just getting into a trailer and driving is an adventure in my book.
God has you in the palm of His hand...and I do believe you will dream one day, when the time is right. Enjoy your adventure with the girls! Praying...always and still...
Sometimes nothing we say or do feels right. I just want you to know, I look for your posts, and blog entries. I read, and re-read them. I pray over them. I am honored to know you. While camping this weekend, we were discussing how Allie likes to "discuss" things with everyone. We joked maybe she will be a lawyer. I said well if she is... I pray that she is like Scott, a person who puts family and love above all else!
You are you, Scott. A separate being, created by God, knit in your mother's womb in His image. As you walk through life, you walk with many people. You had an incredible person share that walk with you for a while. Now God has called her home. Though the time has been short and definitely shorter than you probably hoped or imagined. But she is still in your memories, in the faces of your children.
Your life is not over though it may seem that way. You are still a family. God bless you with his peace as your figure your way. Gentle mercies....
Scott, I don't know whether I ever told you this before... after M. died (and I was unable to attend the service), some time passed. Then I had a dream of him, that he was still alive. At the end of my dream I got really mad at Rhonda, because she'd been the one to call me and tell me that he'd gone.
So many of these other things shared here are true -- your grief will look different than everyone elses' grieving, and that's OK. And someday you will dream of her -- often. :)
God will always be there too, helping you through the worst of it with just what you need for right then.
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