Laying It Out (The Empty Seat)

This came from my journal last night. I have been keeping a journal with things that don't seem appropriate to post on facebook or here; or more often things that I am afraid for one reason or another to post in either place. This entry falls into the later category.

I will lay it out. I am fearful of posting anything along the lines of my emotions regarding dating. Fearful because there are a lot of people out there that have opinions on the subject and don't mind sharing them maybe just a bit too freely without actually having been in or fully understanding the situation. Fearful because of what someone who I might go out with might think if they read this. Fearful, most of all, of the unknown. I was relieved a bit when I wrote these things in the journal but I still feel like they are bottled up inside me, so here goes.




I have gone back to driving the van this week. It wasn’t an emotional decision but rather one brought on by taking Sarah’s class to a field trip on Friday. But it has turned out to have emotional consequences.

Thursday the girls and I went to Target to do some shopping and go out to dinner. Only having the three of us in the van doesn't quite make sense in my mind. This was the van that Frances and I bought especially for them when we were pregnant with Sarah. It is the van that we have travelled so many miles in as a family. The passenger seat seemed so empty, much like my heart. The girls filled the back seat just like they fill a big part of my heart. But that other seat, just like part of my heart, was just empty.

On Friday the van was filled with 8 people. On the way to the field trip we had 6 kiddos in the back and Sarah’s teacher in the front with me. It was very Very VERY comforting to have a full van. I thought it would be weird having someone else be in "that seat" but it wasn’t. Even though "that seat" in the van was temporarily filled, it did not fill the hole in my heart, but it did comfort me a bit. I learned something about myself that day, I learned that I really do want someone to be in "that seat;" I want someone to be in my heart.

I do not know how I go about finding the right person to do that but God does, and I am trying hard to put my faith in Him. I have written a lot about what I want in that person and may post that here another time, but for now I will say that my next wife will be for another life time and will affect not just my life but the girls’ as well. I want the decision as to who that will be to be a good one and not just an emotional one. But what I do know is that finding that person with all the insurmountable hurdles will be impossible by myself. God, are you listening?